Session 6•
Dating Advice Is a Very Confident Industry
I spent ten minutes reading dating advice online. I now understand absolutely everything about love. According to the internet.
INT. MATCHMAKING OFFICE – DAY
Bright afternoon light. The GOLDEN FLAMINGO is now positioned in Sofia’s chair like it has scheduled its own appointment.
Sofia enters the room, gently moves the flamingo aside, and sits down with practiced patience.
SOFIA C.
You look entertained.
ME
I made the mistake of reading dating advice on the internet this morning.
SOFIA C.
How brave of you.
ME
Ten minutes and I now fully understand women, relationships, and apparently also my childhood.
Sofia smiles slowly.
SOFIA C.
That was efficient.
ME
The internet is extremely confident.
Everyone online talks about dating like they’re a combination of philosopher, therapist, and ancient oracle.
I gesture dramatically.
ME
“Women want mystery.”
“No, women want emotional availability.”
“No, women want men who ignore them on Tuesdays.”
Sofia laughs despite trying not to.
SOFIA C.
And what did you learn from this research?
ME
Mostly that dating advice is a very confident industry.
Everyone sounds extremely certain. Which is impressive, considering no one has actually solved dating.
Sofia studies me curiously.
SOFIA C.
So what’s your theory?
ME
My theory is that dating works the same way music does.
SOFIA C.
Music?
ME
Yes.
You can explain the structure of a song. The rhythm. The melody.
But chemistry is the moment the music actually works.
Sofia pauses.
SOFIA C.
That’s a surprisingly poetic comparison.
ME
Thank you.
I’ve been listening to a lot of good singers lately.
She raises an eyebrow.
SOFIA C.
So your conclusion is that the internet can’t teach people chemistry.
ME
Exactly.
Which is why I did something slightly ridiculous.
SOFIA C.
You launched a website offering dates.
ME
Strategic romance.
SOFIA C.
Bold strategy.
ME
Dating apps turned romance into software.
I’m just returning it to real life.
A quiet moment passes.
SOFIA C.
You realize most people would be terrified to do that.
ME
Yes.
But most people don’t have a matchmaker who hums like she secretly performs in front of thousands of people.
She looks at me for a moment.
SOFIA C.
You notice too many things.
ME
I’m observant.
The GOLDEN FLAMINGO appears extremely interested in this exchange.
END SESSION #6